It’s an interesting feeling to wake up in the rain, in the middle of the rain. It’s another interesting feeling to wake up in the middle of the night, during a warm summer’s night, and because of the poorly-resourced air conditioner, be partially cold and partially hot. But sometimes, the air conditioner weakness and the outside temperature hit a perfect chord: the air conditioner is weak enough that you slightly sweat, but strong enough that once your body is damp with sweat, the air conditioner is strong enough that it gives you the chills and you begin to shiver. This of course sends you deeper under the blanket seeking warmth, after a few minutes of which the sweat returns, forcing you to flip off the blanket for the cooler air outside of the blanket, at which point the air conditioner starts giving you the chills again.
It’s a wonderful balancing act, and it’s a great way to have a night, although I wonder if it causes bad dreams; there is a restlessness, an unsettled feeling I woke up with this morning, which feels like an unsettled feeling due to the way I slept.
It’s an emotional restlessness, a feeling in my soul, an emptiness that is clamoring to be dealt with and filled with purpose, but that clamoring is just a small pot being banged deep within my heart so by the time the sound reaches my ears it’s pretty faint. So I hear it but it’s so faint that it’s easy to wonder if maybe it’s just someone working really hard in the kitchen, instead of someone banging a pot for attention.
So in that situation, I have one of two choices to make:
a) I can ignore it, I can let it be, drench it in coffee, go for a swim around the Island to tire it out.
OR
b) I can ask myself “what could possibly be a reason to bang pots so early in the morning? Who could be needing this attention? What part of my soul is feeling unattended, or lost, or helpless, or angry? What’s going on right now that possibly the voice in my soul might have some insight into, might have the ability to sense an important acknowledgement.
Or maybe it’s an empty feeling that really in fact wants to be even emptier, that is yearning for greater simplicity, that is yearning and hoping for increased stagnation, lengthier pauses, and deeper considerations. Maybe it’s an emptiness that is a relief, a glimpse of much deeper emptiness, one that appears from this vantage point to hold a certain level of salvation.
This is the feeling I got when we began Dog Island, but not really. Not really at all, nothing related. It’s hard to say really, but let’s start with the differences: When we began Dog Island, I was on a mission, and there was no sense of emptiness but instead a directed feeling towards that goal, towards the actions that would receive me at that goal. I knew what was driving me, or rather, I didn’t question what was driving me. I just drove.
Just driving. That’s the way to live. I’m just driving. Well, it’s A way to live.
There is a beauty in “just driving”, a peacefulness in it. Last night, on the way back from Tallahassee, it was a late night drive, I’ve done it before tired, or achy, or restless. Yet last night, it was a feeling of pure peace & quiet. The wind was blowing through the open windows, and the two new dogs I had picked up from a newly converted Dog Island investor were also in a monstrously silent mood. We all shared the peace together, and helped keep it solidified as well.
So how was it that last night was full of peace, and this morning I awoke with this empty question in my heart? What could it be that I need to do? I acknowledge that this “emptiness” could be the emotional or spiritual equivalent of needing to take a shower or brush my teeth, or even just a feeling of hunger that drives me to eat breakfast, or maybe a physical grogginess that asks me to go for some exercise.
So this could very easily be just something I need to do in the morning so I can get on with my day. What is it I need to do? What is this emptiness, this question mark in my soul? How can I answer it? I am writing here, exploring for it. Maybe I need simply some realization, not necessarily about the emptiness itself, but about anything, anything at all. Maybe I can have a realization about a new way of training dogs, that I might or might not ever use, but the realization itself can be a source of power.
We’ll see. This is the end of the captain’s log for the day. We’ll see about continuing this train of thought tomorrow.
Captain’s Log of Monday, June 14, 2010 7:06 am
Year #32, Month #395, Week #1,717, Day #12,005
89th Corridor, West Dog Island
