There is really only one dark cloud in all of Dog Island.
In a sense, that’s pretty impressive, to have launched such an immense feat. Considering the amount of political lobbying, raising of capital, and migrating of vacationing human bungalows off of the island so we could settle our canine coalition there, all proceeded fairly smooth, without a scratch, without a lost soul, without an upset stomach, without a black eye.
And during all this, Xiao Minn and I were fearless co-leaders, charting the ways, shaking the hands, removing the leashes, scolding the dogologists, and turning this dream into a reality.
I guess in the building of such a positive vision into reality, something negative needed to happen. As they say “somethings got to give”. And something did give in: the great relationship between Xiao & myself, it washed up on the rocks. A deep divide grew between us, although using the term “grew” makes it appear as if it happened gradually, when in fact it was a pretty rapid procession from fast friends who could think a thought in tandem, to two people who didn’t think of each other at all.
Or at least, I don’t believe he thinks of me anymore. We had what is known world over as a “falling out” and at the time I was very much ‘holding my ground’ on what I believed to be truth, and I still believe that in any conflict it does take two to tango. But in this particular situation, I’ve had a growing realization about my role in this out falling.
There were a number of details that came to become between us, our dynamic begged a deeper basic trust of each other. Yet, I see now that I felt comfortable being thought-tandem with him only during the creative process, during the fight to raise life into our vision of the forever freedom of Dog Island. When it came to simple, normal life, I hadn’t yet grown comfortable opening up, being trusting, being a partner, being a brother.
And in hind-sight, this is what I regret most, that my actions painted a picture of my internal world as one that had no care for Xiao, only saw him as a thin ‘dividual, saw him as business partner only. The problem when you treat people in this manner, people you are so close creatively with, is that a partner can be made to feel as an employee, as an object you use to get your material goals complete.
We worked together to save the souls of thousands of dogs world wide, and heal the hearts of their owners, yet my heart didn’t open to the real friendship that had grown between us.
Hmm…. I just re-read that last line, it sounds like a saying we have where the words drip with honey dew but don’t taste like anything in particular. So I must carve deeper, I must be clearer in the description of this.
It’s as simple as this: our falling out took place over one particular reason, but there was another reason behind it that wasn’t discussed, and then behind both reasons was something deeper that I don’t think either one of us realized at the time, but has jumped into the forefront of my consciousness since that time.
He had opened himself to the friendship, and I hadn’t, and instead had taken actions that implied there was in fact no friendship, just a business relationship. And while I couldn’t see that then, I can see now how hurtful and rude that kind of thing could be. How did I learn this?
Well, over the course of the years since, I have developed new partnerships. New friends, and new partners. And I have learned that the best partners are also great friends. As well as the best friends are those who can be great partners. Whether you work on fun or social evolution, it is still the friendship that drives the partnership, and the partnership that drives the friendship.
Having experienced more and more of these over the course of my life since the falling out with Xiao, I realized how I’d feel if one of my partners suddenly treated me as an object, as disposable, as a stranger. I keep on wanting to use the word “hurt” but I don’t think “hurt” is the right word. I would be disappointed. But real disappointment. Disappointment over the loss of someone, the loss of a relationship that was of value to me, and that person instead took away the relationship, leaving me the options to resent him for taking it away, or worse: resent him for making me feel like a fool for having believed in it at all in the first place.
Well, with Xiao I had deep value for the friendship, and I do truly regret having demonstrated the opposite of my value. Xiao, wherever in the world you are, I apologize to you, and I wish for us to find a way to rebuild & resume our friendship.
Captain’s Log of Tuesday, June 15, 2010 7:40 am
Year #32, Month #395, Week #1,717, Day #12,006
89th Corridor, West Dog Island
